(Written in 2015. Read Part 1 Here.)
It’s Been A Year Part II
…. When we were last on this blog…
I was struggling to write How To Catch A Prince (Starred review from Library Journal)
After the initial crash and burn in the bathroom, I rested during the weekend and sort of rebounded during the week.
I was feeling good for the most part, writing, moving toward my deadline.
I concluded the incident in the bathroom was just me being tired and the panic attack from the pit of hell.
You can disagree with me but when “it” left as my husband prayed over me, I pretty much knew that sucker was demonic!
I heard: “You don’t have enough time.”
Sounds like the accuser of the brethren, doesn’t it? He took advantage of my weakened physical state. The enemy never fights fair.
Anyway…
During the first week after passing out in the bathroom, I started feeling weird again.
At night, I’d start to tremble which prevented me from sleeping. Then the “what ifs” which added anxiety and stress.
“What if I can’t get it done?”
“I’m supposed to go to the sales conference but I don’t want to travel.”
I couldn’t get out of the circular mindset. Something was wrong. This wasn’t me.
My schedule had no “gives” in it From January through the end of May. I just couldn’t see my way clear to get it all done. I was overwhelmed.
Worse, I didn’t “feel” like getting it done.
During the second week of this ordeal, Hubby was gone one evening, and I thought I’d do some writing after dinner.
But I was about as creative as a rock. I couldn’t think. I was weary, drained, and a creative desert.
I can’t even explain how numb I felt but think desperation topped with hopeless.
I’d think, “Just quit.” But even that idea brought no relief. I prayed, believed, and prayed again.
That night the book was all jumbled in my head so I called my writing partner, the amazing Susan May Warren.
“Help! I can’t do this… I can’t. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
She was cooking dinner for her busy household yet without hesitation, she put everything on hold to help me work out the romantic plot.
I’d set up a difficult situation between my hero and heroine.
“No wonder this is hard,” she said, in her comforting way.
We talked and brainstormed for an hour and finally I had some idea of where the story was going. What a relief, albeit temporary
At night when I’d go to bed, I’d fall asleep for a few minutes, maybe a half hour, and wake up, heart racing, trembling, thoughts jumbled, doubting myself like I’d never doubted myself before.
I’d move around the house trying to find a place to sleep. Trying to find a place to pray. A place of peace.
The shaking and heart pounding kept me from sleep even if I managed to empty worry from my thoughts. It kept me from concentrating on prayer. So I’d offer prayer-flares.
Sometimes I’d watch a Frasier or Last Man Standing on Netflix.
Eventually I’d sleep around 3 or 4 in the morning.
Sometimes not at all. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I’d hit the gym at 5:00 a.m. looking for those great exercise endorphins to release and give me some sense of normalcy. (They didn’t.)
Waves of melancholy crashed over me. Not the good reminiscing kind but had me missing people and things I couldn’t get back in my life.
Like, you know, being 25.
I’d walk our dog around our neighborhood circle and feel, in some strange way, I was walking on the outside of life, looking in.
Finally I made a doctor’s appointment. In the examine room, I sat on the table looking and feeling like I’d met with a Mac truck head on.
She sent me for blood work. A few days later, she called with good news.
“You’re not crazy! You’re super menopausal.” WHAT?
I’d been sailing through the last few years of changes and felt pretty sure I had this menopause thing handled.
But turns out, it was handling me. Yet knowing what was going on provided huge understanding. I knew how to pray!
I still wasn’t sleeping well. And the night time trembling and heart racing were persistent and annoying.
I turned in the book, unfinished and the last 100 pages unedited, and hoped for some relief. One big pressure item was off my plate and I’d survived the last month!
But my hormones were still adjusting. I’d have good days and bad days. Sometimes a good day and bad day all in the same 24-hours.
My doc and I decided to “just walk through it.”
I was leary of adding hormones to the mess of hormones I was already dealing with.
She agreed. And I appreciate her for it!
So….
First up on the schedule-that-wouldn’t-bend was the Deep Thinkers writers retreat with My Book Therapy the last week of February.
Unlike past years, I wasn’t looking forward to going. Also unlike past years, I didn’t have my own room. Even worse, I was sharing with my best bud, Susie May. We’d done it before but not with me having sleep issues.
I had to keep my commitment. There were eighteen plus authors coming for help and instruction. I had to face my fear of going. The shouting of my hormones had to be shouted down. I’d give them NO authority over me.
However I wondered if I’d be any help to the attendees who would have private sessions with me. I still felt like a rock in a creative desert.
The night before I drove up, I didn’t sleep well.
Zombie like, I got in my little green convertible and headed out. First stop, my brother’s in Tallahassee. I had a date with some old friends and one of my girls from youth church days.
By this point, I was confessing to anyone who’d listen, “I’m super menopausal!” Which was pretty funny if you ran into me at in the Publix produce department. You got more than a bunch of bananas. You got a human banana. 🙂
Yet here’s what I saw in the Word as promised by the Holy Spirit that lives in me: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control.
Where in there is anxiety, nervousness and melancholy? Nowhere.
And sleep, hello! God’s word even promises sleep. Psalm 4, Proverbs 3.
I popped in my favorite worship music to start out my drive north, then switched to teachings from my favorite Bible teacher/ministry.
I was going to flood my soul, my mind, my body with truth. With light. I was going to fellowship with the One who loves me and knows my body better than anyone!
In truth, I was mad at my body for putting me through this. How was it fair? What had I ever done to my body to deserve this?
I had moments wondering where God was in it all as I was praying and believing for peace and healing.
But it was in the midst of those dark days that I sought Him all the more. I invited a prayer-warrior friend over for evenings of prayer.
I repented of being mad at my body. I prayed Psalm 139 over myself. “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made!”
[Tweet “I prayed Psalm 139 over myself. “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made!””]In the midst of our storms, there is always the Light of the Lord.
I’m telling you, there’s a scripture for everything you’re going through or wondering about if you’re willing to look, to believe, to stand.
You know, we love the Lord, we believe His Word until the storms hit. Then we tend to crumble, doubt, run away from him to seek answers among men, among medicine and worldly philosophies.
But it’s in our storm He’s the most real. Mark 6 has such a great story of Jesus walking on the water past His boys-in-the-boat.
They’re scared, thinking He’s a ghost. But they call out to Him anyway. (Why, I’m not sure…)
However Jesus, Mark writes, “Intended to pass them by.”
What? Um, Jesus… They were scared and in need of You.
Only when they called out to Him did he enter the boat and bring peace.
Ever notice when Jesus approached people for healing He said, “What do you want Me to do for you?”
“Can’t you see I’m blind? Helloooo!”
There’s something about asking, about releasing faith, about partnering with Jesus even for our own healing.
It’s the divine paradox of faith, sovereignty and relationship.
“When you enter into faith and agreement with heaven you release His sovereignty and power thus increasing the depth of your relationship.”
That’s where I was… not feeling it but leaning into it.
I’d drop to my knees in the middle of making the bed or writing and cry out, “God, heal me.”
How amazing to have the ear and heart of the Most High!
[Tweet You’re Not Crazy, You’re Super Menopausal Part 2]
Comments 31
Rachel, I read this & I weep inside because I was not available to walk w/you through this horrible experience. I know that it’s through times like these that we draw closest to our Lord & come to know Him in a depth that we wouldn’t know otherwise. But still I wish I could’ve been there for you.
Author
You raised me to believe, Mom! I love you! Rachel
You are in my prayers as you deal with this issue. So many women are plagued with severe troubles at this time in their lives. Just hang on and know that this too shall pass.
Wow came across this article in a state of anxiety. Cut a long story short I have been perimenopsusal for nine years I’m 49.
I couldn’t imagine in my wildest dreams I would suffer like I am.
I am a christian a believer but there have been many times I’ve felt hopeless and abandoned.
I’m a wife mother and grandmother. I also work as a carer and I can honestly say this has been the hardest time of my life.
Praying you get relief soon and we come out the other side stronger yin Jesus name x
Author
Michelle, thanks for posting! I feel ya, sister. I’m actually doing great. My intense symptoms only lasted a few months then hit off and on for the rest of 2014. I tried a progesterone oil in March of 2015 did not like that… so I had to wean off of it and since then I’ve been pretty good. Have occasional weirdness I credit to “Hormones” but nothing really to even talk about. Like my stomach might bother me for no reason. Or the once a quarter odd sleep night. God has really, really been good to me! I pray He touches your body and brings you relief. Much love! Rachel
Thank you for being honest I’m smack dab in the middle of menopause same symptoms as you shakes anxiety can’t sleep I pray pray pray I’ve been up many anights listening to Christian music no relief but I do know is Gods word I’d faithful
Author
LaDonna, stay with it! It took me a few months to walk it out. Then off and on for a year. BUT way, way, way better. The Lord touched me and intervened and He will for you too. Keep believing. His Word IS living and active. Praying for you now! Rachel
Hello thank you kindly
Just started severe acid reflex about a week ago I was wondering if you had struggled with that as well have a doctor appointment next week
LaDonna, I did not have an issue with that but I’ve had stomach discomfort. I went with enzymes and pro bionics. Also a heavy dose of ginger spice. Seems to work.
My biggest struggle was the heart pounding, and feeling so outside myself. Melancholy. Lack of sleep feeding all of that…
I say walk through it, keep praying, your body was designed to do this by the Creator and it will settle down soon enough. Xoxo
Thank you so much for your encouraging words I know this to too shall pass but when you’re in the middle of it you feel like you’re going crazy and you’re not gonna make it God bless you so much
Any time. I know it feels like hell. But you’re not going crazy! You’re not messed up or have something deeply wrong. Your body is shutting down something it’s been doing for 40 years. In a way, she’s finding a new path.
Pray Psalm 139 over yourself. Bless your body. You’re hormones. Just keep clinging to the Word! It makes all the difference. Get people you trust to pray for you! I’m praying!! XO
I feel like I am going crazy. And my husband doesn’t understand what I am going through. He just keeps putting me down and saying I am a bad person. I feel all alone in this and was even starting to believe him.
Author
Angela, I’m so, so sorry! I know your pain. Maybe you could ask your Dr. to talk to your husband. Or try to explain how you feel. If he’s condemning you with blanket statements like “you’re a bad person” then I think the issue is more than just menopause. Know that you’re not a bad person. Jesus never condemns or accuses. That’s the enemies job. As you pray, ask the Lord for understanding for your husband. Also, are their women you could talk to? I know just talking about it really helped. THIS TOO SHALL PASS! It really will. Hang in there!! The Lord is with you!!!
Hi Rachel,
I googled for help and found this article. I am so blessed to have read it. I have been feeling so manic and “nuts” and it has gotten progressively worse in the last few weeks. Your mention of walking the dog and feeling like being on the outside sort of looking in – wow. I’m not on top of things, forgetting things Pastor has asked me to do (I’m on staff at my church), wanting to run away, etc. I’m sitting right now with my Bible and the words feel flat on the page. I can’t hear God thru all the distractions that fill my mind. I know He is the answer and that I have to persevere. I want to keep a good attitude but am struggling to do it with all of my responsibilities. This read tho has encouraged me to press on. Thank you for this article. It really helped me.
Author
I’m so glad this post helped! I know when I was in your place a few years ago I googled for help weekly. The biggest thing to remember is this will pass!!! And your feelings, while valid, are not always right or “real.” Keep reading and declaring, singing, the Word over yourself. It does help and over time you will feel the power of His Word. But it’s a fight. You can do it. It gets easier. I’m so glad I didn’t do hormones. I was basically “finished” in a few months with some ups and downs for maybe another year… nothing like in the beginning. Just could feel a shift but I knew what it was so I walked on and didn’t let it own me. Proud of you!! I know exactly how you feel. Post again to tell me how it’s going!
Hi Im 50 and im not handling menopause to well, ive got insomnia, high blood pressure, severe migraines, anxiety stress , fear and i run to the dr or the hospital for any pain, please pray for me i trust and believe God is removing these symptoms as im typing this message, i sleep for 1 hour at night , and during the day i suffer from fatigue also lost a lot of weight as i dont have appetite
Author
Hi Adel,
I am so sorry for your trouble. I understand. It is not fun nor pleasant and at times downright discouraging. But hang in there. God is faith. His Word is faithful, true and it works! Do you have a scripture or two you can stand on? I recommend having the worship music on as much as you can and asking others to pray for you. Can you do that at your church? It’s a fight but you can do it! I just determined to lean into Him with all my might. Which was weak at best. I can attest to being on the other side and life is a joy, and peaceful. He knows your heart, He sees your struggle. He’s not forgotten you. Get your “grrr” up. 🙂 I know the insomnia is frustrating. I used Proverbs 3: 24 and Psalm 4 to battle. 🙂 Much love. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Rachel
I thank God that he allowed me to find your site. The anxiety depression and so many many other symptoms I really felt like I was losing my mind I have been a nervous wreck and so many people really really don’t understand. I thank God for you Rachel.
Author
I’m so glad you found the blog. I wrote it to help women going through the same thing. I was surprised how little I found online or talking to other women that was helpful! You’ll get through this. It will pass! Rachel
God bless you for the courage to share your journey. I’m smack dab in the middle of this crazy battle – anxiety, sleepless nights, irritability, sadness…
There have been good days and bad days for sure but yesterday was by far the worst. The anxiety was so paralyzing that I couldn’t get out of bed and make it to work.
I’ve always been the one to hold things and others together but I feel like I’m become unraveled at the seems more and more.
Have I been prayerful? Absolutely! More now than ever.
Do I know that God is faithful? Absolutely! But for the grace of God I made it through to see another day.
But this emotional upheaval and turmoil is painful and real!
To all of my sisters in this battle, I pray for total and complete healing from every physical, emotional and spiritual discomfort. May God sharpen your weapons of warfare and give you the strength and courage to fight until the battle is won.
In Jesus name.
Amen!
Author
Thank you so much for sharing and God bless you in your journey! I’ll pray for you!!
Author
Mia, How are you doing? Are things improving? I think I still have moments but I’m doing well. Hard to believe it’s been six years! God’s grace and healing on you!! Rachel
I’m suffering from postmenopausal so bad.😢
Author
Hang in there! It will get better!
Well… Like other women that have shared, I also did a Google search and found this post. I put in “scriptures for menopause” in the search engine and poof… This post was at the top! Thank you for referencing the importance of filling my day with worship, scripture and prayer. I’ve been in many battles in my life and my knee jerk reaction had been to run to God. Well perimenopause/menopause is a battle so why would I not treat it as such! It’s just such a different kind of battle. Unpredictable. I had one ovary removed a couple of years ago at the age of 49. I was already exhibiting peri symptoms but the doctor said my remaining ovary would kick in. After 2 months of a complete nightmare of a life (no more then 2 hours of sleep a night, terrible, debilitating joint pain) I decided to take estrogen. My remaining ovary didn’t “wake up” for 6 months. I’ve remained on hrt and I’m still a mess. After reading your repeated comments that you were glad you went the natural way, has left me feeling despondent. Just saying. But I truly feel I had no choice. Anyway, I do appreciate your reminder to encapsulate myself with God when things are tougher then normal.
Author
Sindy,
Girl, I feel you! I am so sorry but it WILL get better. I promise!!! And please, do not feel despondent over my assertions of going with out HRT. My journey was different than yours. I didn’t have an ovary removed. The Lord will get you through this. Trust Him to lead you. For me, taking hormones WAS not an option, even if my doctor recommended it. I’d taken them before and thus began a battle with anxiety. So if my body was shutting down, I was going to let it do it’s own thing. 🙂 So there is not condemnation, no comparison from me. I was just sharing my journey. Because I had a HUGE history of the Lord walking me through hormone induced anxiety, I had a lot of confidence in walking with Him through menopause. Wasn’t easy all the time but I stayed my course. Much love and blessings to you! Let me know how you’re doing. xo.
I am a husband who is at a loss. My wife who chnged so profoundly over night maybe a bit longer. . We have 5 kids and she has moved out after 18 years. Im not perfect. I am observing a person say one thing one day the opposite the next. I believe its menopause. I try very hard not to be angry. We love her so much.
Any prayer or help would be appreciated.
Author
Paul, my husband and I prayed for you this morning. I know it’s hard but keep leaning into Jesus. Trust Him for a good outcome. Find a good church if you don’t have one. Let people pray for you and with you. Blessings! Rachel
Hi Paul I’m no one, and only found this due to a search for something a bit unrelated, but I still believe the Lord led me here on purpose, for multiple reasons.
But I’m seeing your comment 2 years later so it all could be a moot point by now.
but I’m also praying for you all still because any separation can cause long-term fear or distrust even when there’s eventually reunification.
But God!!! He is the true and faithful and just one. He can be entrusted with it all!
He is the only one who can bring true healing and peace and love, regardless of outcome, whether then, now, or ever.
(Romans chapters 5-8 & book of Philippians)
Dear Rachel, I find some of your answers to be dismissive. Sometimes it doesn’t get better until we get the right treatment for our body. You were fortunate that it did not last years for you. Some women suffer still in their 80’s. There has to be better answers in our Christian community. There are now effective online support groups – I believe the Church needs to enter this arena. And simply saying “It will get better” doesn’t make it so. There sometimes needs to be more specifics – and I do believe God is guiding in this way. But us women need to communicate openly and teach each other. The medical community is still lacking in this area – so we need to help one another in practical measures.
I do appreciate you sharing your story – that’s how we will learn from one another. But what “works” for one may not be the answer for another. We need to learn how to be supportive and very much in prayer for God’s guidance. I may be extremely naïve, but I do believe He will provide us what we need if we press in and ask Him.
Hi Claire,
I understand how you feel, I have felt that way at times as well when reading many different blogs. However, I feel that Rachel is not offering advice or trying to tell one what they should do. She took a risk in writing “her” story for one reason only to open the door for other women who are suffering alone because most do not believe when we tell them what is going on in our bodies. The comments from so many women on here going through tremendous struggles is heartbreaking and real. In addition to what people are enduring at this time during this crisis including you and me. It may sound or feel dismissive but honestly we do not know everything Rachel has or is going through at this time and maybe even responding to the post took tremendous strength. Many have endured much loss, me included not to COVID but a child to suicide. I completely understand where you are at and your feelings so understand I am not criticizing or downplaying your comment, just trying to help. Much love. I pray that the rest of the parts to the blog will be uploaded because it helped me so much.